Class is a thing of the past, and finals are just around the corner. This is going to be a busy week, which is probably a good thing. I'm dealing better the more I keep my mind on other things, whether it be the stress of a final evaluation, or whether I'm shooting people in the head or stabbing people in the back via Team Fortress 2.
I sort've went into my early highschool dependency on computer games for happiness, which is kinda depressing from an outside perspective, but is definitely a step in the right direction for me away from the obvious. In terms of my prior "self-conflict," I haven't gotten that much better handling it on my own without distractions, honestly, but that's to be expected. The three manly essentials: sleeping, eating, and checking out teh wimmenz, have sadly each taken a toll. I even went as far as to suppress my feelings with a very much deserved night of partying. (ugh). No worries, I don't think, as with the summer approaching, drum corps will definitely keep me much more concerned with physical pain as opposed to the emotional sort. I really should get back on track physically so that I'm not absolutely hating the first few weeks of the summer.
Motivation, motivation, motivation is an ongoing struggle for me, but damn it I'm going to get this conquered once and for all. Just as soon as I'm weened off my dependency on internet shenanigans.
Gotta set a strict priority list for the rest of this week: study my head off for my 3 exams, somehow get some explanation and/or closure from her (oh damn it, and get my psp back), keep playing my instruments/getting in shape, restore my appetite, get this room packed up, and even work in time for some movies I need to watch (even though I just rewatched all the episodes of Elfen Lied today).
I need to also start looking into work/internships for next year. MTVu has a very promising representative position that sounds perfect for me, time permitting. Let's see how next semester works out for me, time commitment-wise. For now, I need to get in touch with an old, ahem, best friend. Though finding a time she's not busy is difficult, she can probably get my head in the right place before I leave everyone again for another 3 months. I hope things work out for me in the end.
"I think a great reader is able to read from the first line to the last line; if you want to do that with some books, it’s necessary to skim other books. If you want to fall in love with someone, it’s necessary to meet many people. You see what I mean?"- Pierre Bayard
Same with music, amirite?
Beach
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast
Monday, May 5, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
What a day
Academically, the Business Fair, my piano jury, and my sonata project should have been more than enough to keep me involved for today. I got to bask in the glory of Tim and Eric live as well tonight, and did that ever put me in a good place, especially after the walk all the way back from 6th.
However, a little self involved conversation can do so much to what was probably a fail proof night.
I maybe saw it coming, even with the faux encouragement, pushing me to act in the proven hope that it would all be for the best. However, this feeling is so painfully foreign to me. Even I, a person far too accustomed with rejection and the misfortune of being "in the wrong place at the wrong time," am just plain shocked at the way this is all hitting me. And that's why I can't go to sleep right now.
Maybe it all seemed too good to be true, yet at the same time there was a glint of light that there would be something to reward myself through it all. Maybe the shock comes from my expecting that this semester could possibly end in the best ways possible for me. I try not to think I'm spoiled in that regard.
Once again, through all the bullshit I've gotten used to in the past, it's really odd that I find it extremely difficult to cope. It really is that hard for me to even grasp, as it's been years since I've known the feeling. Probably the worst part is knowing that I'm above all of this, and that there is, without a doubt, much much worse out there. I'll get over myself, of course. It's just that every ounce of me doesn't want to let go. And though it would be for the very best, I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever wanted to not get on with my life.
It's 4am, and for once I can't force myself to sleep. As much as I've promised myself (and her) that I'll still be there every moment I had intended in the near future. It's going to be one hell of a trip for me to deal with. I'll try my very best to not be a complete shut in for the next.. few months, to her and everyone else I hold dearly. I really wish this spree of "bad timing" ends for good soon, I really am through with it. I also never thought in the life of me that I'd ever make a post like this.
God damn it, Garrick, grow the fuck up.
One day, Garrick, one day.
However, a little self involved conversation can do so much to what was probably a fail proof night.
I maybe saw it coming, even with the faux encouragement, pushing me to act in the proven hope that it would all be for the best. However, this feeling is so painfully foreign to me. Even I, a person far too accustomed with rejection and the misfortune of being "in the wrong place at the wrong time," am just plain shocked at the way this is all hitting me. And that's why I can't go to sleep right now.
Maybe it all seemed too good to be true, yet at the same time there was a glint of light that there would be something to reward myself through it all. Maybe the shock comes from my expecting that this semester could possibly end in the best ways possible for me. I try not to think I'm spoiled in that regard.
Once again, through all the bullshit I've gotten used to in the past, it's really odd that I find it extremely difficult to cope. It really is that hard for me to even grasp, as it's been years since I've known the feeling. Probably the worst part is knowing that I'm above all of this, and that there is, without a doubt, much much worse out there. I'll get over myself, of course. It's just that every ounce of me doesn't want to let go. And though it would be for the very best, I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever wanted to not get on with my life.
It's 4am, and for once I can't force myself to sleep. As much as I've promised myself (and her) that I'll still be there every moment I had intended in the near future. It's going to be one hell of a trip for me to deal with. I'll try my very best to not be a complete shut in for the next.. few months, to her and everyone else I hold dearly. I really wish this spree of "bad timing" ends for good soon, I really am through with it. I also never thought in the life of me that I'd ever make a post like this.
God damn it, Garrick, grow the fuck up.
One day, Garrick, one day.
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